Wounds that Control

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Wounds that Control

This subject is particularly close to my heart. This won't focus as much on a church issue as it will a person one. Controlling others is a tendency many more of us deal with than we realize. Some call it People Pleasing. You've likely heard various faiths mention the little you inside. For years I considered this a hokey new agey practice. My own mother would say, "Is that the little James speaking or the adult James?" It really grinded my gears to be honest. But it was later in life when I took a more direct look at why I reacted so strongly to certain situations. Some topics would really set me off and I didn't know why. I'll touch on this later when I speak on reconciling with my Mom.

I mentioned in my first post that my Dad left us when I was a kid. That's not the full story. My Mom would always say, "It was both of us", but I never believed her. The reality was, without delving too deep, it made sense for my Dad to move. I just didn't understand at the age of 9. And as the oldest of 3 boys I was very protective over the events surrounding my parents' divorce. Divorce is ugly and I'm not sure I've met someone who went through it that wasn't hurt by it in some way. These events shape us in ways we don't see at the time. For me, I believed I wasn't valuable enough for my Dad to stay. John Eldridge says that every boy needs a man to tell him "he has what it takes!" And when the father figure leaves, the absence communicates, "No. You don't." This was untrue of course. My Dad never felt this way about me, but I didn't know the message was looming in my heart. And as the song says, I began to "look for love in all the wrong places."

At first this came with fighting, being the class clown, and even becoming sexually active at a very young age. I was wounded in ways that sent me looking everywhere but within. Of course God would eventually impart to me an identity so meaningful I cannot express it here in a brief sentence, but as a boy I simply needed to know I was good enough to be loved. And yes, I needed my Dad to be there for that. It was hard on both of us. As a father myself, I can only imagine feeling forced to leave my kids. Nothing feels like a deeper pit in my stomach than that thought. As I got older my resentment for him grew exponentially. So much so that I began believing untruths and embellishments about who my Dad was. As a teen I would write him pages of angry letters, never getting the reply I wanted. My Dad wasn't perfect. And he made some big mistakes for sure. But I raked him over the coals for the next 25 years to give myself a sense of worth. And this brings me to the point of this article.

We cannot assign related hatred toward those who remind us of our wounds. That may have made me feel balanced, but I was far from it. The acting out grew to a point my mother couldn't handle. She stuck it out for a very long time not knowing what to do. Mom, sorry for the crows feet. You're still a beauty queen to me.

I sought affection and affirmation from practically everyone. Eventually this led me to find the outcasts of my circles and substance abuse followed very closely behind. Fast forward...

When I was 21 I followed a girl to Tallahassee from my home town in south FL. It didn't work out almost immediately, but I stayed. After another spell of destructive behavior I eventually decided to surrender my life to Jesus. Although it came with strings. I made a deal with God. "If you make me a man, I'll give you my life", I said on a 5:30am walk coming down off some mushrooms. It was a deal He didn't have to make, but I knew it was His desire for me as well. So I joined a ministry and moved in with some guys. This was the single most saving grace move I made in my young adult life. My roommates put up with my easily offended nature like champs. And I began to see my desire to control others peak its nasty head out for the first time.

You see, when you're uncomfortable in your own skin due to insecurity, you aim to control other peoples skin. That is to say, to force them to behave as you wish to make you feel comfortable. This is incredibly unhealthy! So many of us do this. Fast forward again...

When I was 28 I took a job in Maryland. This was the first time I moved somewhere I didn't know anyone. As Nicolas Cage said in Gone in 60 Seconds, "I wasn't on anybody's A list." Essentially, I wasn't in anybody's close nit group. I was nobody's best friend. I wasn't even invited to man night with the guys I did know. And then I began to drink. Soon I fell into a depression. I remember once visiting Tallahassee, and in a frantic meeting with my old roommates confessing through tears my fear of losing them. I remember explaining it like the closest thing to death I've ever felt. Loneliness is fickle friend. Please tell someone safe if you feel this way.

A couple years later I met my wife. I don't know how she put up with me, but she did. Still, drinking too much was an on and off issue for years. Our marriage was often on the rocks and I'm so thankful I caught it in time to catch her from leaving. Soon after, I experienced the most intense lack of acknowledgement and affirmation I had to that point. Perhaps still. My boss was not a sharing man, and boy did I need some positive words from him. I never got them. And that broke me. 2 things were said to me at this time that changed my life forever!

A different leader at that time expressed a concern to me that my "neediness would eventually cause a wake of relationships that would leave me all alone." This infuriated me to no end, but it was spot on. As a married man my need for other guys to be like brothers to me pushed them all away. My wife was embarrassed to meet new couples. We stopped trying to make "couple friends" all together.

The second thing was from my wife. She said very lightheartedly once, "I feel like you need to be in conflict with one person at all times." This shook me! I couldn't wrap my head around why she was right. I excused my parents as exempt from that rule, but I knew that wasn't accurate. They were both right and if I didn't figure it out soon I would lose everyone I cared about.

A couple years later I found myself truly desiring to forgive my Dad. I believe the Holy Spirit guided this long night drive home as a corrections officer. I knew instinctively that my desired end result was to be close to my Dad. Immediately I knew I had the power to make that happen, but I had a choice to make. If I held on to the apology I wanted, which was very unrealistic by the way, it could be years. Decades maybe! I had a vision of my Dad on his death bed. The ironic thing was, in the vision he gave me everything I always wanted. But then something strange happened. I saw myself release all my anger toward my Dad only to have that right relationship for moments before he passed. And like a light bulb I realized the answer. I did not want to waste another minute of precious time I could have with him in order to obtain this unrealistic moment after wasting another 25 years. And like that, God Keyser Soze'd me. Poof, the heaviest weight I had ever carried was gone.

Shortly after my Dad came to meet his first grandchild, my precious little daughter. We then went to a Starbucks for hours as I unloaded all the things I was resenting him for. But each time he tried to stop me I would say, I'm not saying this to blame you. I'm saying it to confess and apologize. Just weeks ago for my 40th, my Dad made a video for me stating how meaningful it was to him that I pursued him in this way. There is zero chance I could have created a more meaningful outcome by holding onto my anger for some forced reconciliation. Resentment and anger cloud reality. No matter how angry you are, I guarantee, you will find more peace in forgiveness than not. You don't have to continue a toxic relationship, but your heart needs to forgive. Trust me in this. And now onto my lovely mother.

After forgiving my Dad, I realized I had a mother wound as well. Remember when I mentioned the little James? Turns out, she was right. I was so hard on her. Actually, those were her exact words. "You're so hard on me." Anyone else familiar with this phrase? Sometimes mom's can give you a hard time back, but she had me dead to rights. I was a bit of a shit to her. Can I say shit in a Christian post? Oh right. Boxless. You get it. So one visit I really had it out with her. Eventually some serious clarity showed up. I was angry for letting her mother me as an adult. But I was SO angry because I was still seeing her through the boy's eyes who's Dad left and then had to be the man of the house. Naturally, a mother is still going to tell a boy what to do... Dad or no Dad. I think this may have confused me and I internalized it to a point I couldn't find it anymore. Until this moment. With my anger toward my Dad out of the way it was clear as crystal. I needed to forgive her for treating me like a child as an adult. Because it was my own insecurity that was receiving it as such. And again, like the snap of the fingers... gone. One more big aha and then I promise I'll leave you be for now.

Not long after this point, the leader I mentioned who gave me the "wake of relationship" advice died suddenly. He was the first older man I heard God's voice through. At least he was the first one who told me the loving things I needed to hear from my Dad. He would bang the drum of my worth to God. I believed I was valuable and enough largely because of his words. And now with his sudden passing, I felt as if a part of God had died along with him. Again I fell into a depression, but this time it didn't last long. I was faced with only God to seek my refuge. It's a strange thing to say the passing of a loved one brought about the most significant growth in your heart than ever before, but that was the case. I began to see everything clearly. The bosses I had been disrespectful toward. The friends I had clung to and made to deliver affirmation whenever it seemed lacking. And then it hit me. Even in Tallahassee, when my friends were the most positive they had ever been, I was using them to fuel my worth as well. It had been going on since my Dad left. Seeking love in all the wrong places.

May you find encouragement and affirmation from those you value, but may you never need it to bring you worth as an intentionally created being from the Most High. He and He alone can satisfy that without ever waxing and waning. You are fully loved and fully purposeful. You were and are intended to be someone no one else can be. Don't ever let someone's lack of affection for you dictate that you are without affection. I'll leave you with this...

There are several passages in Scripture where God is referred to as a jealous God. Jealous for each of us. What does this mean? An old leader of mine (not previously mentioned) once shared this truth with a story of his own. He imagined it was like the time he was at Disney and during a parade lost sight of his little girl for a moment. He began to feel filled with fear and started shouting her name, "Sarah!!!!" "Sarah!!!!" He found her of course, but imagine this is how God reacts when you begin to hurt and hide from who He created you to be. This is how valuable you are! This is how He sees you!

I beg of you, please stop trying to change people. No matter how they perform and behave in ways you don't approve. Allowing others to be who they are without feeling obligated to fix them or correct them all the time will reveal a peace within you I have come to believe may be the biggest point of wholeness for the individual that humanity has to offer. I pray you experience this and pass it on to others.

And that's my boxless view in a nutshell.

James went to KU for Psychology

and is an entrepreneur owning three small businesses;

Two in the wedding industry, and one in custom furniture building.

In addition, James is also a hobbyist

as a musician, voice-over artist, and blogger on the side.

Ultimately, he lives for his family and

making Christ known as the compassionate Savior He is.