Bye Bye, Blacksheep

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Bye Bye, Blacksheep

You may have wondered "why" the tagline of my blog, "Stories for the 'Blacksheep'." So first, the quotes are because this is a subjective label given to many of us at some point due to some form of going against the grain. Let's just dispel the belief that this is a badge you have to wear forever... or ever at all.

What is a blacksheep as we understand it? Well, he or she is, metaphorically, the one who looks different or doesn't fit in. Such as the rare black sheep in the herd of white ones. For some reason we've also taken this to mean, as Merrium-Webster calls it, "a disfavored or disreputable member of a group." It has to do partly with the difficulty of dying black wool. Though it is also said it is due to the fact in the 1500's the color black was considered the Devel's mark. Yikes! Now how do feel about being labelled the blacksheep?

In all honesty, I'm not super bothered by the term. I think it may be due to the growth that occurred in me due to the rather rocky path I chose to trod. I'm not advocating for a rough route per say, what I am saying is.... You know what, let me take a different approach.

In Matthew 25:31-46 Jesus gives a very descriptive, all-be-it with some parable mixed in, view of eternity. Don't let me lose you here, but it's a different sheep story. Here Jesus compared sheep (those who follow Him as Shepard) to goats (those who do not). You see goats would need their horns shaved down to live with sheep, otherwise they'd buck them. So there's a disobedience implied here. Being a 'blackgoat' of the family would probably work as well, but it doesn't quote pop the same way, does it? Maybe Jesus had a keen sense of delivery. Maybe the point our parents and teachers were making is we simply don't fit in and can't be used. Boy, does this sound familiar. In any case, the point I want to make here is how He divided them. Of course inviting the sheep to "inherit the kingdom", Jesus tells the goats their destination shan't be so delightful. But here's the part people often miss: He describes this place as "prepared for the Devil and his angels." So people were never meant to be cast anywhere. That's important! Maybe we should be careful how easily we do the same.

Now, if you're smoking weed and losing your virginity at 12, as I did, it could be a cry for help. I know I was sounded the proverbial trumpet to be rescued... well into my 20's to be honest. But if you're just a different type of grown-up than the crowd, perhaps you feel this label follows you still.

It can be a little difficult to broad brush this topic. Because I don't want to encourage all adults to go against some grain and 'buck the system'. It's less of a proactive approach. I'm simply saying, if you believe you're not carrying major bitterness and baggage, and yet still find it hard to know you're place, it's not ok to be shamed for this. I certainly can attest to the wounded adult. I've mentioned before I don't believe I had truly worked through my past until my 30's. However, I had also just left 8 years of ministry, 5 of which were full time, and continued in volunteer efforts once rejoining the non-ministry work force. So don't let the fact you may need some help deter you from believing you are valuable now as well as on the other side of that. I think this is handled poorly so often.

You may not know this, but many churches and ministries employ a counseling department. You may also not know that these positions rarely require relevant credentials. Please be careful here. It is quite possible God has gifted an individual to perform a task in amazing ways, just as smarty pants Paul dismissed all his classical education from contributing to his revelation of Christ. (Gal. 1:11-16). However, it is also possible that this individual has no business hearing you expel your ugly places. So use discernment when deciding whether to adhere to any church discipline that aims to "fix you". This is not the Coldplay kind. It is rigorous and often heart breaking. If you feel your light going out in this way, please do not assume this is a trial God is growing you through either. I made this mistake for many years... and it was often quite soul crushing. Please guard your heart well and share this process with someone you trust and respect. (Phil. 4:7).

I was the blacksheep for many years in many differing contexts. I was the oldest sibling of 3 boys who's parents divorced when I was about 9 years old. It didn't take long for me to rebel. I mentioned above some of my actions at an early age, but it escalated from there. Eventually a G.E.D. had to come into play as well as numerous bars on doors. While my Dad did screw my window shut to keep me from sneaking out and drinking stolen liquor with my neighborhood friends, I'm referring to the kind you can't leave from by order of the government. Yes, I mean jail. I was in and out from age 15-19 and the system was near impossible to get out of once it began. Through many signs and wonders, including a drug dealing roommate's parent's [who took me in off the street] taking me to church, several death defying incidents of idiocy, and a group of birds forming a capital 'J' in the sky, Jesus eventually led me out. I was just recalling one of these happenings with my best friend. We met during a wild night, of which I cannot confirm or deny the presence of LSD. We didn't see each other for some time after. One day I found myself waking up inside those bars at age 19. I was an adult. It would follow me everywhere now. Yet, hope walked into that common area at 5:30am that day in 2000. Inviting me to apply to the working block, 2 agonizing weeks later I found myself preparing breakfast for 500+, being trained how to work out and protected from harm. This man is like a brother to me.

Once getting on the right path, I found myself the oldest college student in a community of awesome people. My roommates were my age, though just graduating and on a slightly different life stage at the time. Yet, we stuck together for years. One of which for the back 5 of my 8 years in Tallahassee. I'll be forever grateful for these men. If not for them , I would've bottomed out for sure. I was so needy still from my childhood abandonment and father wound issues, that depression had been knocking on my door for awhile. (to be addressed in a later blog). However, even in this environment, some felt it appropriate to point out shortcomings on the regular. This is crushing coming from people you consider friends, yet who don't really take the time to know you.

Listen, I was a broken man. For good reason, there was great hesitancy from others around me to give me responsibility. I still believe there is a lack of patience and grace from so many who simply do not understand. Let me explain.

I'll post this video below, but there is an illustration floating around Youtube that exemplifies the contrast between sympathy and empathy in the most beautiful way I've ever seen. The illustration itself is an illustration, or cartoon, of animals instead of humans. I presume it's so we cannot judge the type of individual we feel this applies to. And I believe that is because it applies to everyone.

In this video, the fox is struggling with something very heavy. We don't know what. He first has a rain cloud over only himself. Next the Earth cracks open to swallow him into a hole. Seems apt so far. Then the bear crawls down into the hole and says to the fox, "Hey, I know what it's like down here." Soon a deer comes along, who peers down into the pit to find the other two. The deer quickly recognizes the uncomfortable nature of the fox's darkness. Instead of crawling down, she offers a sandwich instead.

Brene Brown on Sympathy vs Empathy

You see, we are so afraid of what we don't understand that we distance ourselves. And when that thing comes into our spaces, we distance them from us. People either ignore you, or aim to correct what they see that's different without investigation. For me, this comes due to my sharing and feeling in front of men who see this as a sensitivity problem evidence of an unhealing. And since most men don't address emotions head on, this can be dealt with by keeping you at arms length. Since most pastors are trained to address these things, it can be an immediate condescending. They don't ask questions, but if they do, it's right past the 'tell me about yourself's' and into the prying types. If you're honest, you know which types I mean. Sometimes the posture is even non-verbally... or verbally silencing your voice. Please be wary of these encounters. Unless you are causing some form of harm to yourself or others, peers and those in authority at your church should be genuinely getting to know you first. No exceptions!

So may you know you are loved as is. If by no one else, the Creator of Heaven and Earth! And God has said as early as Genesis chapter 2, that it is "not good to be alone." He has loved ones in store for you. I promise. They are few and far between the older you get, but they are out there. God will arrange it like He did for me and my buddy behind those bars. But you may have periods of loneliness. Press into Him in those times. For me, I needed to be alone for a short time. I had relied so heavily on the approval and acknowledgement of others that I needed to sever the cord. That's the first thing to keep in mind. You are loved, you always have been loved, and you always will be loved. You also have a purpose.

I'm a Creative as it were. I did not find school easy, as many right brained do. I also have numerous childhood wounds that aided to my identity today. And while much is negative, God used it for good. Many of those lessons shaped much of my abilities and passions. So in the body of Christ, you may be a finger, you may be a toe, or you may be an elbow. If those making decisions for others, for who belongs where in the body, doesn't see a spot for you, I have good news: They are not Jesus. Jesus is "The Head". The Head sends all the signals to the rest of the body. Allow Him to tell you what you are and where you fit. You may need to scrap your old idea of structure and hear Him telling you your gift is meant to function outside of those walls. I get that that feels isolating, but it's not meant to be. There are so many groups doing things for the Kingdom in ways the church doesn't have a place for. Or that wouldn't function well inside the church. You can still find solace with people in your community, wherever that may be. And this may be behind a desk with the occasional encouragement from one other co-worker. You may be the only light where you find yourself. I guarantee you, someone will need empathy from a Safe Place (you) at some point. So don't ever forget where you came from. Believe that God can use all your past.

May you not believe any longer you are what people label you. Be it "Blacksheep" or "Nice Guy". Nobody know's what God has put in your heart. You are an ambassador of Christ. Remember where He found you, keep that humility, and be a light wherever you can... especially to those hurting that you understand. And just maybe, the next time someone calls you a blacksheep, you might see it as a badge of honor or a sign you have something so different that God has an amazing adventure in store for you. And the next time someone seems to be showing you the door with their 'loving' gaze, don't hear "Bye bye, Blacksheep." Rather, hear this: "We don't have a place for you here, perhaps you bring something we desperately didn't know we needed."

And that's my boxless view in a nutshell.

James went to KU for Psychology

and is an entrepreneur owning three small businesses;

Two in the wedding industry, and one in custom furniture building.

In addition, James is also a hobbyist

as a musician, voice-over artist, and blogger on the side.

Ultimately, he lives for his family and

making Christ known as the compassionate Savior He is.