"Be excellent to each other."

Please feel free to follow along with the audio link below.

"Be excellent to each other."

Ah, the ol' Bill S. Preston and Ted 'Theodore' Logan. If you're under 30 you may still recognize these names due to the recent 2020 installment of Bill & Ted's: Face the Music. Perhaps the only good thing to come out of this retched Corona Virus year. I'm exaggerating a bit. It wasn't all bad. We also had the 3rd season of Yellowstone, the 2nd of the Mandalorian, and a revival of the drive-in theater! Anyhow, the original 1989 flick, was appropriately titled "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure." I can think of no better depiction of authentic friendship than 2 best friends setting out to save the world, while communicating to the watcher, and all they encounter, to also, "be excellent to each other"! Oh, and to "party on dude's."

So, what could this article be about? Yes, it's about 'being excellent to each other.' But specifically, I wanted to discuss being a "safe place" for one another. You've heard me mention this term in previous writings, and hopefully my little disclaimers made the basics clear. What I want to do here is expound on it a bit. Being a Safe Place for each other could be the most frequently unmentioned crucial attribute we have.

Travel back with me for a moment to your childhood. Remember the little talks that stuck, hopefully, from our parents? Here's one I now regurgitate to my kids: "If you lie, no one will know when you're telling the truth." Sound familiar? The tail of The Boy Who Cried Wolf came shortly after, when we could understand it. I'm not quite there yet I don't think. But the premise here is the same.

When we enter into friendships under the assumption we will be there for them, we effectually communicate they can trust us with their... stuff. It's shit, let's be honest. That's what we need each other for. It's not the petty moments we commit acts of 'forgivable' sins. We gossip. We seek attention from a place of pride. We... curse. Now, I actually don't mean the words, though we should be careful how we use them. [He says after saying shit... twice.] No, I mean the way James describes it in chapter three of his letter. He describes the tongue as both a rudder and a fire. As a rudder it is able to "turn the entire ship". (v.4). But as a fire? As a fire it can "defile the whole body", "set the entire course of life on fire", and "is set on fire by hell." (v.6). I don't know what that last part means exactly, but it doesn't sound too hot. I mean, hot? Yes. Good? No. Here's the point: James says we curse people with the same tongue by which we praise God. He goes on to describe this in great detail, but those should be enough for my illustration.

Are we honest? Are we trustworthy? Can we keep a secret? Even from our spouse's? Does that rub you the wrong way? It shouldn't. Not if you want to continue making authentic relationships. It's true you are now considered "one flesh", but this is more in reference to what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:32-33. He basically says his issues with marriage are purely due to how it divides our attention from God. Your spouse is also a person with weaknesses, which you now have to shoulder together. I'm not saying you don't tell your wife practically everything about you. You should. But should you be sharing your friends secrets? I don't think so. How long will they trust you if you do this do you think?

This also doesn't mean marriage is bad. On the contrary, I believe you should be able to honor God more together than you could apart... in some ways. For me, I actually felt I was unable to continue certain ventures. I'm no longer in a ministry position as a career for one. However, I am a much stronger person because of my wife. And through the healing she has aided tremendously in coming about, I am a more effective ambassador for Christ. This could be in every day interactions, but it is also in how I raise my kids and speak to my neighbors. It's just a different stage of life.

Look, I don't want to veer too far off the beaten path here, but it ain't easy relinquishing all that you thought you were meant to be, in order to reassess for two people. I'm not saying all things your heart once beat for has now been silenced. It may feel like that in the corners. But Jesus is still on the throne in the center, and you family has now taken the place of your biggest battle. They are your treasure you protect. And that is good.

So, can you apply this to friendships? Of course!!! If you're single, you can also go gung ho for your deepest cause for the Cross. But I'm simply speaking to who you go with? Married or not, do you have battle buddies? Do you even have one who you can show all your ugly places without judgement? Sure, we need to be challenged when we need it, but do we listen? Do we empathize? Or do we just offer a sandwich?

I've shared this video before about the difference between sympathy and empathy [and I'll share it below], but to put it simply: Empathy relates to the pain. Sympathy offers assistance and just about nothing else.

Sympathy vs Empathy

This is what it means to be a Safe Place. My buddy Joel, who went to be with the Lord about four years ago, shared some hard truths with me before he passed. In my last year of full time ministry, I was having some serious neediness issues. My boss was notoriously bad at affirmation. Yet, I expected something. After four months of meetings and work, my place was met with constant criticism and zero encouragement... even when prodded for. In fact, this was the beginning of the end for me. Trying to force this was unwise. I began drinking... a lot. It was the beginning of my marriage as well and something needed to give or everything would be gone.

During this process, my buddy, who was also a bit of a mentor to me and on this team as well, had some hard words. He told me he was 'worried my neediness would eventually leave a wake of relationships until I was all alone. Of course this offended me greatly. But around this time my wife had also ever so slightly nudged me with some similar words. She said she 'felt I always needed to be in conflict with one person.'

Here's the point of this part: I was a wounded man and I needed desperately to hear what these people had to say. In another article I discuss the meaningfulness of releasing your unforgiveness, but for the purpose of this article, it's all about the love of your loved ones. And these words were loving, because without them I'd be a shell of a man at 40, and likely a terrible father.

No, all I mean to draw attention to here is what it means to be a Safe Place. Joel used to introduce me as a "safe place". It was the single most honoring thing anyone had ever spoken about me. Maybe. In a little fun survey, when asked to describe friends in one word, I was told "authentic" by one, and "genuine" by another. It took me a minute, but I realized this was the same thing.

Let me tell you, there is no greater honor than to know without a shadow of a doubt, that those you love, know they can trust you completely. Some things you can't tell your wife. Some things you need to challenge. But always, always, be safe.

May you get to know a few so well you can tell them anything. May you be the same to others. And may you find the freedom in this to be the thing that empowers you to be the best you God could have possibly intended you to be.

Jesus has laid all the sins of the world bare before His eyes... including yours. He knew us in the womb and chose to love us anyway... to the point of giving up His life. (Ps.139:13). He knew you'd do that. And that! Why would you questions for one second if He intends us to love each other completely? Warts and all.

May you be excellent to each other.

And that's my boxless view in a nutshell.

James went to KU for Psychology

and is an entrepreneur owning three small businesses;

Two in the wedding industry, and one in custom furniture building.

In addition, James is also a hobbyist

as a musician, voice-over artist, and blogger on the side.

Ultimately, he lives for his family and

making Christ known as the compassionate Savior He is.